Divorce & Remarriage

Divorce causes many things, however, the most lasting effect is usually negative. Not only it affects the adults but their children as well, and it also affects the future families after remarriage. Although some divorces are likely done because of really good reasons, they still carry various negative legal, emotional, and social effects for all those involved. 

    Remarried adults frequently begin new relationships with more caution, greatly slowing down the process of increasing trust, reliance, and commitment levels to new intimate relationships. These emotional scars are much harder to heal and even after a long while these events leave behind a mark that still compels individuals to act differently than they would otherwise. On average 70% of divorced individuals regret having followed through with it within two years. On the other hand, couples who stayed together and worked through their challenges have reported a significant change in their marriage satisfaction level, within the same time frame they mostly went from a “very dissatisfied” to a “very satisfied” level.

    Mixed families experience all the same difficulties and challenges a nuclear one does but with many more added ones too. Hence, It is no wonder that about 63% of blended families with children end up divorcing again in less than two years. Some studies argued that as remarried couples experience these new adversities, they will need at least two full-year cycles to fully adjust. For example, events that would normally bring a nuclear family together, strengthen their relationship. Members of a mixed one are likely to experience sorrow because it reminds them that their families are separated, which makes various things a lot more complex and confusing to deal with.

    One of the main purposes of marriage is to increase the home and to have children, but blended ones experience an “instant family” event, which changes that mindset. The relationship of the children with the new parent in many cases is harder to be established. Not only that the tasks and responsibilities are not exclusive, but rather it is shared with a seemingly outside party. Consequently, all four basic systems that make up the ecological environment of both adults and children become unstable. This negative outcome often results in weaker family relationships, defective coping skills to adversities, and lowers social capabilities.

    Furthermore, the financial and legal troubles divorce brings for the parents are hard to overcome. When couples separate their mutual close friends ultimately have to choose who they will side with in the coming months and years.

    In conclusion, far too many divorces end up resulting in many negative legal, emotional, cognitive, and social effects. Most couples who undergo a crisis and divorce usually regret their decision after some time, while couples who work through their issue to resolve them, in due time, find themselves living a much more satisfying marriage. Children of blended families usually end up having a more unstable environment, resulting in an increase in early-life disadvantages compared to those whose parents have not separated. Nonetheless, parents must always work together in unity, otherwise even if the marriage does not end in divorce it will not be beneficial for their children or for themselves.

In summary, the best family relations are unavoidably a sum of all the topics covered so far in this blog and more. As I think about all twelve of them, I believe that appropriate preparations before marriage, refined parenting methods, open communication, and positive coping skills are the main keys to a good and satisfying marriage. Although there will not be any more posts, I hope that the things shared here have been of good use.

Parenting

     The purpose of parenting is more than raising one’s children in a healthy and safe home. It's about preparing them to be productive adults that transmit positive cultural values to the community and our society as a whole. Parents must therefore take responsibility for their actions, but it's not a downturn because having a family of your own opens a door for much joy. Children can bring out certain good characteristics that parents frequently did not know were there because never before have they had a chance to do so much for another person. In the end, a healthy family relationship will have a beneficial development not only for the kids but for the parents as well. Unfortunately, parenting is a hard task and brings many varying challenges, like identifying a child’s true needs.

    Every young child has different needs, and even identical twins showcase different behaviors and characteristics. Thus, one of the most effective ways to identify the needs of a child is to observe them closely and analyze their reactions and responses to their environment. Therefore, parental actions must follow after the causes and effects are pinpointed. For example, when kids display a pattern of undue attention-seeking, it is likely a response to a lack of contact and a sense of belonging. Hence, parents will have to provide this more freely and teach their kids how to contribute, so they can feel they are part of the team and feel that they belong.    

    Other instances could also be rebellion, undue risk-taking and avoidance, revenge, and controlling others. These reactions are often caused by a need for a greater sense of protection, a healthy amount of challenges, power, and withdrawal. On that account, parents need to come up with ways that will offer their children a greater sense of authority, like having at least two options from which they will choose, giving them a greater sense of control. As well as teaching them about how to put in work and take appropriate breaks, forgiveness, grit, and assertiveness.

    On the other hand, the current flow of parenting is not as it should be because parents suffer from deficiencies like the lack of vitamin N or the word “no”. John Rosemond, family Psychologist r, in “Is Your Child Getting Enough Vitamin N?” explained that it goes both ways. Parents must say “no” to their children, and the kids, in turn, must understand its meaning to more fully accept it. Providing everything a child desires far too often leads to overindulgence, which is a result of the absence of vitamin N. Consequently, children end up learning they can attain what they desire by whining, demanding, and manipulating. Whereas a healthy amount of being told “no” fixes this issue. Being told “no” teaches them that not everything is the way they wish things to be, it teaches grit as well as the law of work and sacrifice. However, being told “no” is not as effective if the parent's relationship with their children is faulty or not very well established. Thus, working through the parenting pyramid will be needed.

    Correction is the part of parenting found at the peak of the pyramid. Thus, correction is not a big part of parenting, rather it is the smallest one. Underneath correction is the teaching characteristic of parents. This is done by both action and word. Be an example because little children tend to imitate their parents a lot more than listen to what they are told.  

    Then, we have the parent/child relationship. If this aspect of parenting is not good, then saying “no” or teaching and correction will not be very effective. Subsequently, the husband/wife relationship must also be well-structured because kids can feel the energy given off by their parents and when both parents work as one, their work becomes that much more meaningful.

    Lastly, the base of the pyramid is the personal way of being. Parents need to make sure they are having their needs met as well. To be able to take care of another person, one must be able to take good care of themselves. 

    In conclusion, parenting is a wonderful experience of growth and love for both parents and children alike. Although there are many ways families experience challenges, being able to identify what they are and how they came to be will facilitate a parental response that will bring the family together. In the end, firmly building a positive relationship among all members usually by dynamically following the parenting pyramid structure.

Fathers & Finances

    The meaning of fatherhood has changed drastically in recent decades, its meaning and positive influence appear to be diminishing. The state of being a father branches off in many directions. However, the main idea of fatherhood is to take on responsibilities related to nurturing a younger generation, preparing it to lead the future of an entire society.

    Stephen Baskerville, Ph.D., professor of political science, and author of “Is There Really a Fatherhood Crisis” argued that restoring the constructive characteristics of fatherhood is the solution to social ills. Major and frequent social behaviors have been discovered to have a direct relationship with fatherless children, such as “violent crime, drug and alcohol abuse, unwed pregnancy, suicide, and psychological disorders” (485). Therefore, a present and caregiving father has a critical role in our world.

    Governmental policies and projects like Save Our Children, Child Support, and the 1998 Deadbeat Parents Punishment Act demonstrated how serious the circumstances have gotten. The law is becoming an influential reason for better parenting than simple and pure human moral ethics. 

    Throughout most of our history, families had seemingly equal work, life, and family balance. Then around the industrial revolution, they began to differ exponentially over the years. Families were not a single workforce anymore, rather each person had to live in a specialized role. Fathers left their homes to go to work for the majority of their daily time, while mothers were homemakers. Thus, the time that could have been used to form closer family relationships was taken away and is currently perceived as the norm. Economic products, making money, have come to show increasing evidence that it does not equal household production because it does not offer the opportunities to build up families substantially.

    Work is an essential matter because the money made from it helps sustain families and raise children with greater living standards and a better social environment, but it is not everything. Many times over, when comparing high-income house households to lower ones, it is observable that both can still have meaningful, close, and positive family relationships.

    After the birth of a child, many households normally downsize to a single income for the next coming years. Nonetheless, Marvin J. Ashton in “One For The Money” discloses that the main factor in declining home welfare is “not the lack of money, but rather it is the mismanagement of such”. He shared a number of suggestions on how to correctly address money issues and how to prevent them. He made an intriguing case about five main points that I liked: managing money before it manages you, learning self-discipline and self-restraint, use of a budget, teaching families early about the meaning of work and earning, and the spiritual aspect of things.

    First, being able to discern between spending money on a family's wants and needs and writing it all down will make the analysis of such things much easier. Second, the skill and ability to control oneself is a worthwhile characteristic to pursue and master, often resulting in better long-term life-changing decisions. Then, visualizing how much to spend on a given period of time greatly assists in keeping things within the projected, planned, and prepared for expenditures. Finally, when family members learn the value of work early, it has proven to be tremendously beneficial on many numerous occasions, especially when kids grow up and are able to teach it to their own families. Paying a tithe is kind of its own thing because it gets into the religious aspects of money. However, having faith is part of the process in each of the previous points too. 

    In conclusion, fatherhood is much more than simply becoming a father of a child. It's about providing homes in which children can grow up to become someone who is able to build up their society and upon the things they have been taught. The financial relationship with fatherhood has played a significant role in making the above statement possible. Therefore, it must be taken care of seriously, unanimously with the spouse, and taught to the children early so that they become able to handle it as well in their due time.

Communication and Problem-Solving

    Good communication has been one recurring solution to many of the marital challenges discussed, such as dealing with transitions through the married life journey, establishing an effective and adaptable family system, and handling stress. However, how are good disclosures of thoughts and feelings attained?

    First, identify and work on resolving common types of conflict that aggravate communication. Complementary conflict explains the usual pattern of behavior where one partner is very dominant in the relationship, while the other is more passive. This comprises a distinguishable personality of one partner being persuasive and talkative and the other having a quiet and withdrawing characteristic. This allows greater issues to emerge because these dispositions reinforce each other, blocking opportunities for better communication to develop and increasing negative outcomes in the partnership.

    The symmetrical and parallel conflicts, which are nearly the exact opposite of each other. A Symmetrical struggle happens when both partners react the same way. Related features can be the same as the ones from complementary conflict, but instead of reinforcing each other, they clash against itself. For example, if one partner yells, withdraws, persuades, or desires to win, the other partner will do likewise. Then, the parallel one is when the couple both deny, ignore, or retreat from a conflict. Thus, creating a gap in the proximity and intimacy of the relationship.

    Frequent issues like encoding followed by decoding also obstruct good communication. According to research, voice tone indicates a deeper level of relaying one's mind, more than words. Whereas nonverbal cues, like body language, have an even greater part. Around 14% of a message is understood by words, while 35% is by tone of voice and 51% by body language. This happens because of the comfort level of being vulnerable, and the capability of being able to fully express emotions. Therefore, increasing self-awareness will improve communication within a relationship.

    Feedback is equally important because of honesty and truth promotion. A certain level of criticism is required for effective outcomes just as much as being able to take in the critique constructively in a way that will assist the partnership to evolve and grow. This should convey a piece of friendly advice more than a brutal and complex critique of judgment. The couple makes each other feel loved, cared for and believed in.

    Lastly, demonstrating empathy, assertiveness, and respect are the final keys. The EAR method encompasses the five secrets for effective communication. Empathy comes in a three-part combo. First, is the disarming technique, which is about discovering the truth behind the statements, arguments, or accusations made by the other person. For example, when someone says “I always take the trash out, while you don't do anything to help out in the house”, the truth behind this could be that the partner takes care of the trash “most times”. Failing to see what the other is doing around the house. As a result, the second and third parts are emotional and thought empathy. Rephrasing statements to better understand what another is thinking and ultimately feeling.

    Fourth, use assertiveness. Avoid hiding thoughts, but show them in a direct and tactful manner. The “I feel” statement is generally the best way because it does not accuse or directly attack the partner receiving the feedback.

    Finally, the fourth part is to show respect and appreciation. Recognizing the value of a partner and saying it out loud will showcase your attention to things you appreciate about them. Genuine and positive statements will be key to better handling heated situations.

    In Conclusion, identifying any conflict or stumbling blocks in the relationship is the first step to take to better convey thoughts and emotions to the partner. Use positive feedback that shows care and love. After that, the five steps of effective communication will be more effective.

Family Crisis and Coping Skills

            There are many life events that put families’ relationships and systems under stress, things such as secrets, distrust, blending families, the death of loved ones, financial uncertainty, different faiths in the household, and other resentments, thus becoming a crisis. A single case may not be enough to apply a consequential amount of stress in a family for it to be considered a real problematic matter, but the sum of every said condition does. In other words, when a family is already under certain daily stresses, a single event has the potential to completely tip its balance. Knowing what is already going on in a household assists in determining how the family responds to a crisis. However, the most effective way to deal with difficult family matters is to have, or use, good coping skills.

Crises are equal to the family management of stress plus their definition of said events along with their resources, and responses. However, many families in crisis are usually already dealing with multiple strains before a more brunt force is added to the equation. Pauline Boss, educator, Ph.D., and researcher, asserted that these multiple variables ultimately become too strong, more than what many families can handle. As a result, the entire relationship of the household members can change drastically.

Koos's “profile of troubles” sheds more light on how Boss’ theory explains why there are different end results of a crisis for a family. He graphically represented the idea of how family relationships are affected by these events in the long run. He focused on how families tend to either resist, worsen, improve, or partially to fully recover from crises. Therefore, the key to which of these five possible alternate end results depends on the stress-coping skills of individuals and the family as a whole.

Good communication is one of the keys. Being able to fully express feelings and thoughts will unlock the possibility of outside help to come in. Optimally, the people involved in this method will be the wedded couple and their kids, but other people can also help if they fully understand the situation, like professional family therapists. Fostering problem-solving and conflict management results in accordance. Thus, husbands and wives will have a tendency to work together on things, rather they are about good or bad things. Early financial management will also be a great tool because many life problems worldwide are more easily solved with good monetary stewardship. Avoiding financial worries will also alleviate some pressure from the total stress.

Events have a direct relationship with a person’s thoughts about them, which then have a direct relationship to the emotions concerning them. One thing leads to another, eventually leading to certain patterns of behavior. One family may define a stressor differently than another one. As a result, it leads to different responses. In better words, perception becomes another key to positively managing crises. Koos's graphical theory explains that for a certain period of time, every relationship quality and satisfaction falls during crises, but the recovery point is where there are many variants. Hence, there will always be many inevitable hardships for families to deal with throughout the years. However, being able to use challenges in a way that will improve the family relationship is the best possible outcome.

In short, crises can always be dealt with, if family members are able to use good coping methods. Avoiding twisted thinking such as overgeneralization and the negative effects of magnification can lead to better behaviors like clear communication and accordance, and family unity through any bad times. Substantially, controlling one’s thoughts and emotions towards an event results in better behavior to deal with the problem.